So let’s keep it simple here, too, and I’ll just show you a picture that never fails to make me smile (and make my ovaries glow):

Mike and Baby Jax.  Both have come a long way since this:

Aren’t they both such cute little nuggets?  Happy Friday!

So how the heck do I decorate it?

Here’s what I’m working with:

Cute, isn’t it?  Let’s take a closer look.  I see a Ron Jon coozie, a Webster’s Reference Set that I just realized is upside-down.  Hey, there’s my iPod that I bought in 2005 and only managed to get all of my music on it about two years ago…  See that monkey hanging upside-down?  He screams.  And yes, that is a Sesame Street Rosie the Riveter.  And the guy hanging on the wall holding my tassels?  Well he deserves a closer look:

Bought in 1999 because he looked slightly like a guy I had a crush on.  He’s bendy and he holds my tassels from graduation.  The purple and white ones are from high school (one was just a prop) and the two white ones are from Ashland University and UNCW.

I’d hang my diplomas, but I don’t want this to seem like a doctor’s office.

Moving on.

A Natasha Wescoat print (I’d love to have a real painting if any of you would like to buy it for me) and a nice little picture from my friend’s daughter Kaylee.

And this–I don’t know who this character is, but she’s from Sesame Street (hold on, I’ll Google her–it’s ROSITA!) and she is part of an awesome campaign to get kids to put down the pacifier.  It started as a prank pulled on a friend, and then all the sudden it was back in my office, and I’m a softie for Rosie the Riveter.

What else could I put in my office, ya’ll?  I know it could be better.

Well, I read Fark.com daily–all of it–because “it’s not news, it’s Fark!”  (Now I bet you’re figuring out why I say “farking” all of the time.)

So Fark.com has people submit odd news stories they find throughout the day with snappier, funnier headlines than what actually happened.  There are some doozies.  They also hold open threads sometimes.  The one yesterday that sparked this blog post?

What kind of thing do you consider an immediate deal breaker when you’re on a date with someone?

Trendsetter?  You bet your ass I am.

So here are some Fark Deal Breakers, mixed in with a few more of my own (in Italics) and sans-gender (OMG):

• Reading (and enjoying) Twilight, The Hunger Games, The DaVinci Code (that last one was for you Dzanko)
• Eating like a pig
• Slurping through a straw
• Having sexual organs that are not representative of the body (i.e. a chick with a dick, a dude without one)
• Wedding rings (How did I miss this?  Because wedding rings are sexy…)
• Follows the WNBA
• Rude to the wait staff
• B.O.
• Being so “green” that I can’t do anything without ridicule
• Ordering for me
• Immediate talk about medical ailments they have or that run in their family
• Talks too much about an ex
• Can’t hold a conversation
• Poor hygiene

I’m telling you people, all you have to do is keep reading to stay ahead of the trend.  ;)

Here are a few of my favorites (all courtesy of the AdAccess archive at Duke University):

Truth is, ya’ll, I’m busy today, but I thought you’d enjoy seeing this!

Foundation Software wants to train YOU for a career—no experience required!

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We are looking for bright, ambitious people to fill a variety of positions at Foundation Software, author and developer of America’s #1 Construction Accounting Software.  We’ve been in business for over 26 years, are recognized nationally as a leading construction accounting provider and locally as one of Northeast Ohio’s top places to work by the Cleveland Plain Dealer, North Coast 99, and more!

No experience required—we will train you!  As Foundation Software continues to grow and add more products and services, we need bright, ambitious people to train as programmers,  support representatives, and  field trainers.

There’s a reason that Foundation Software is one of Northeast Ohio’s top workplaces—because we invest in our employees.  And we’ll invest the time and the money to train YOU for a position where you will succeed.  If you have the right attitude, the right aptitude, and the ambition to make it, you’ll fit into our culture and go far with our company.

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It’s in Scottown, Ohio (near where Ohio, West Virginia, and Kentucky meet) and the line-up sounds awesome:

Ricky Skaggs and Kentucky Thunder
Punch Brothers
The Infamous Stringdusters
Mountain Heart
Don Rigsby and Midnight Call
The Dave Mayfield Parade
Jessica Lea Mayfield
Melvin Goins and Windy Mountain
Johnny Staats and The Delivery Boys
Chris Jones and The Nightdrivers
The Vespers
Cumberland River Band
Sasha Colette and The Magnolias
Rumpke Mountain Boys
Atomic Duo
Billy Two Shoes
Tyler Childers

Three days of bluegrass music and dancing and whiskey!  It downright makes me miss Jenny, Lacey, and Sam.  And the Punch Brothers!  I’m so excited to see them again.  My favorite part may be, though, this:  3-Day pass AU 2012. Ticket price includes free camping, showerhouse, and parking. Kids under 12 admitted FREE with paid adult.

Free camping, free showerhouse, and free parking.  I’m sorry, but anything that offers all of that for free this day in age, I wanna go.

Now here is the dilemma:  I want to go with Mike.  I want to camp with Mike under the stars and listen to music and drink whiskey and cuddle to keep warm.  It sounds glorious.  But as Mike continues to try to get to Ohio so that we can be together, we’ve realized this:  If we purchase the tickets and he gets a new job and is unable to take time off, I’m pretty much flying solo from Thursday morning to Friday night.  :(

So I have a proposition for you.  Do not feel like you are #2 to me (you kind of are compared to Mike), but if we buy these tickets and Mike can’t go, who can buy the ticket and go with me?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Harden, Lacey, want to come up from NC?  Jenny, come from CO!  COME ON FRIENDS!

On another note, you’re all more than welcome to join us (me?) one way or another.  It’d be an honor to bluegrass with all of you.

I did Power Hours all the time in college.  For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, a Power Hour is an hour in which you take a shot of beer every consecutive minute for an hour.  This is usually timed to a CD of 1-minute snippets of 60 songs pieced together.

Since college, though, I’ve only done a few Power Hours.  My darling old roommate Kay and her husband Matt still do Power Hours on a regular basis and this makes me proud.

My friend Mike created a Twitter handle specifically for the purpose of Power Hours on Twitter, and about 5 of us got online last night to partake.  I have to say that I miss these people from college terribly.  It was so nice to be able to sneak a case of Natty Light in a backpack (remember, Ashland University is “dry”) up the stairs to the dorm rooms or the frat house and hunker down with your friends (which is something you should do if you are currently attending or plan to attend AU).

I was introduced (via Twitter, of course) to a woman named Kendal.  In the process of the Power Hour, Mike asked what song was playing for each of us.

I answered that I was not, in fact, listening to a CD, but rather watching Roseanne.  Simultaneously, Kendal said the same thing.  She, like me, does not have cable and watches all 9 seasons of Roseanne on repeat.  Just.  Like.  Me.

The world stopped for a few seconds.  With her on Season 2, Disc 1, and me on Season 8, Disc 2, I knew that something spectacular had happened.

Kay, Kendal, and I are going to have to get together and watch Roseanne.  There have to be drinking games to Roseanne, right?  Oh wait, here‘s one!

• Tighty Whities
• Being a manwhore
• Inability to trust (this could have been turned into a post–albeit a preachy one)
• Thinking that your sister is the best woman to ever walk the planet
• Drinking yourself silly on a regular basis
• Spending money carelessly
• Telling ME how to spend my money (until we’re married–then it’s OUR money)
• Being a pothead

That’s what I’ve got for now.

Tomorrow, I will entertain you far more than I did today.  But seriously guys, what are your deal breakers?

I’m a firm believer that when you date or marry an individual, you are also dating/marrying the family (unless they are completely estranged from them).

And I don’t know how I do it, but I’ve found a lot (read:  A LOT) of momma’s boys…boys who care more about what their mother thinks than anything else, and mothers who can’t get the picture to get out of their sons’ lives.

Let me give you some examples of overbearing mothers (all different) I’ve encountered:

• Going so far as to yell at me for fighting with her son
• Telling me that the only way her boy would marry me is if I got knocked up
• Stalking me on Facebook because I hurt her boy’s feelings
• Complaining that her boy spent too much money on my birthday gift
• Telling me that I’d never be as important to him as his car
• Bitching at me for not cooking her son a birthday cake–”How was I ever going to take care of him?”
• Yelling at me for not giving her any time to be alone with her son
• Glaring at me in line at the local Wal-mart long after her son and I broke up (this is lots of moms)
• Trying to get me to take lingerie on my vacation with her son and telling me that if he’s as good a lay as his father, I ought to consider myself lucky

Yeah.  PUKE.

And boys caring more about what their momma thinks?  ANNOYING.  I blame the mothers.  Just because they can’t let go doesn’t mean that they ought to be sabotaging their sons’ relationships or still trying to control them.

So if you encounter a momma’s boy, save yourself the trouble and RUN.  It’ll be a HUGE deal breaker.

As if paying out the butt for a wedding planner isn’t bad enough (I’ll attack this some other day), now men are to the point where they can’t even plan their own PROPOSALS?!

I blame a combination of the following:

• Women have beat men into thinking that nothing short of a trip to Paris will do.
• Men have become completely unoriginal.
• And if they need a proposal planner because they can’t think of their own unique proposal, they probably don’t want to marry their lady anyway.
• Women desire to document every thing that happens to them with a camera (which you can do for free)
• And men’s complete “bewilderment” of romance.

All said combinations of this are stupid.

Paris is silly.  Men are afraid to be original. And ladies, you do NOT need to pay a photographer or have a proposal planner there to document your proposal!  If your man can’t ask one of his friends or your friends to hang slyly by and snap pictures while he pops the question, then he’s an idiot.

And I don’t care if men are bewildered by romance and don’t understand it.  Women don’t need you to act like the men in romance novels–all that matters is that you put a little thought into it.  If Mike proposed to me over a McDonald’s coffee (which is how we first started hanging out) or on a swing set (where we go to feel like kids again) or one of the places where we met in the middle when I was in NC and he was in PA, well hell.  I’d be happy with that.

Ladies, if you said yes to a planned proposal (which cost between $500 and $1200), let me know so I can come there and give you a mohawk before your wedding.  Think about this–that money could have gone toward your engagement ring, your honeymoon, or starting your new life together.

Despicable.