My brother played baseball with this kid named Eric when we were younger. And Eric was at always at our house, or Jason was always at his. Our parents became good friends, and our families often spent time together, too.
I remember going to their house to swim one night. We didn’t have a pool or a computer at the time, and I was completely intrigued. Eric showed me how to use the computer. I do believe I managed my way into a chat room and befriended a German man who was going to swim the ocean to be with me and my 13-year-old self.
This is not the point.
I always respect his older sister, Rachael, who sometimes came along. I remember sitting in the front yard looking at her senior pictures and wishing that I could have the very same ones when I was a senior. There was also a time that my friends and I were going toilet-papering and Rachael and her mom tagged along. I respected her then because I thought she was cool.
Now, I still think she’s pretty freaking cool. I’m envious of everywhere she’s been, and of her Etsy wedding. But I also respect her blog, and her honesty. Recently, she’s taken to answering a series of questions/prompts that no cowardly person would. I respect that. So check her out.
It also made me want to try it, if nothing else to resurrect my blog.
So Question #1: Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Something I hate? Lots. This is an easy one, but it’s all for shallow purposes. Sometimes I hate my body, no need for specifics. Sometimes I hate my spending habits…how sometimes I go overboard, and other times, I’m so stingy that I miss out on things. But I think the big one is that I hate how much my mood is affected when I am away from my significant other for long periods of time.
When I was living in Wilmington, I was certainly homesick, but I had a good time with my buddies. Jenny P in particularly made me really take advantage of where I was in the world. I fell in love with Mike at the end of my second year in Wilmington. I had one more year in my grad program, and he’d gotten a job in Pennsylvania. For a year, we were apart, and I was completely miserable. There were a few good times, but nothing like the times when I wasn’t fixated on being back with Mike. I don’t blame him for this. And I don’t really blame anyone. I just hate how reliant my happiness was on him. I quit spending money because every dime to me was a dime toward going to see him. And every night of fun somehow filled me with guilt.
Now that I’m in Brunswick, I’m 2 hours away from him. And I see him every weekend, which is a far cry better than once a month in Wilmington, but I still catch myself slipping into these horrible moods when I can’t just reach out and touch his hand. I don’t have any friends here yet, so it’s not really a big deal about going out and having fun. Now that I’m more aware of it, I try to stop it. And now that I’m back in Ohio where I feel like a normal person again, maybe this will subside.
But that’s what I hate about myself.