This morning, when I asked my co-worker if he’d ever had a crush on a cartoon, he just looked at me with his chin drawn back to his chest, his eyes skeptical, and said, “No?”
“I have,” I said. And I know plenty of other folks who have, too. So today, I write a tribute to my cartoon crushes.
1) Trent Lane – from Daria
Trent Lane. Oh Trent Lane. What you do to my cartoon heart. You were on one of the best cartoons of all time. Not to mention, you were the cute older brother. Everyone loves the cute older brother. Your slacker ways are forgivable because of your angular face and dark hair, your tattoos, and your band, Mystik Spiral. You play guitar. You have a duck phone that quacks. You are wildly uninvolved with the world around you and no matter how much Daria pined for you, you did not care. Which is what are women are attracted to. I feel that you probably would have been too cool for me in high school, but that I might have had a chance after graduation, say on a Drunksgiving. Your nonchalance and slow speech makes you number 1 on my list of cartoon crushes.
2) Doug Funny – from Doug
Doug Funny, you funny man. You’re a super hero named Quailman, and you’re not afraid to wear your underwear on the outside of your pants. You find multiple ways to use objects, such as belts and felt Q’s. You’re versatile. And you pine away from Patty Mayonnaise (anyone else noticing a lot of pining?). The point is that you’re a stand-up guy, Doug Funny. .
3) Skeeter Valentine – from Doug
As soon as I said it, I knew I’d regret it. Skeeter Valentine is dreamy. I mean…he’s the cool best friend who doesn’t seem to care. He’s the Tim Riggins to Doug Funny’s Jason Street. And now, I have my crush.
4) Arnold – from Hey Arnold
Arnold was impossibly funny, impossibly clever, and completely adorable, despite the football-shaped head. He occasionally saw beauty even in Helga. And he had pet pigs, and by far the coolest bedroom I’ve ever seen.
Who are your cartoon crushes?