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Monthly Archives: June 2011

I Have Power Over The Future

Wow…I just realized how unreasonably cheesy that sounds…  Like it’s supposed to be some awe-inspiring inspirational comment.

But that is not the case.  The truth is that I actually can dictate the future.  Let me explain.

I know when things are going to happen.  I get that feeling.  Maybe it’s just because I’m really freaking cool.  But here goes:

When any Rascal Flatts plays a ridiculous number of times in a short period of time, I know that Douchebag will probably call soon.  (Again, I only use “Douchebag” to protect his identity.)

When I start to pick up on a trend that is not popular (e.g. my hippy phase, my sailor phase, etc.), it immediately becomes popular.  Just over the past few months, I have been trying insanely hard to find a floor length nightgown for adults that isn’t “old lady” style.  I go to all the trouble to order one from a wonderful Mennonite woman off of Etsy and talk to my very good seamstress friend Joy about making me one, and all the sudden, they’re on the racks at Target and every freaking where else.

Seems to me, too, that every time I do something, like pierce my tragus or something, all the sudden everyone else and their brother goes to get it done.  I JUST DON’T GET IT.  I was the first of all my friends to get a tattoo, as well.  “That’s dumb, Erica.  Why would you do that?”  Then I see them in the street more inked than a male squid who pissed off a female squid.

Flattered?  Okay, sure, I’ll be flattered.  I’m just ahead of the trend.

When I started dating Mike, I wanted things to happen.  I wrote him letters that I never sent him in a little orange book, and days after I would write them, the things I talked about would happen!  Recently I’ve considered using this to my advantage–writing about how he will propose to me in this incredibly romantic way, and how we’ll get married and live in my big white farmhouse and have babies and a puppy dog.  But I’m not sure I should mess with the fates.  I write the things down that I truly want to happen, and then they seem to.

And it’s kind of like with my job.  After my first interview, I thought, “This is where I’m going to come every day, and someday, I’ll drive here in a Subaru, and it’ll be the best job EVER.”  I come here every day, I do drive a Subaru, and it is the best job ever.

I can predict the future, and apparently I’m a trendsetter (even though I abandon the trend as soon as it’s popular).  And hey, if you just wanna be like me, well THANKEE!  🙂

 
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Posted by on June 21, 2011 in Daily Happenings

 

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“Unacceptable!”

There are very few things that I deem to be unacceptable, but I saw a lot of them recently, so I’m going to make yet another list.

Unacceptable Things:

  1. Blatant littering
  2. Hitting a woman (luckily did not witness this one)
  3. Tailing people who have slowed down because of heavy rain
  4. Driving 10 under the speed limit without inclement weather
  5. Calling your mother a b****
  6. Telling someone who is clearly upset that, “It doesn’t matter.”
  7. Poking jokes at folks who recently died/how they died (RIP Ryan Dunn)
  8. Not saying thank you
  9. Letting your thong hang out
  10. Falling asleep with a fight in your heart
  11. Leaving church right after Communion
  12. Complaining about free food
  13. Complaining about anything free…
  14. Neglecting to be watchful of children
  15. Letting children run around wildly in restaurants (this obviously does not include McDonald’s-they can run wild there)
  16. Letting a cell phone ring if you don’t want to answer it (just silence the damn thing!)
  17. Not dancing with your date
  18. Punching property that is not yours
  19. Parking on the line

 

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in Daily Happenings

 

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Nicknaming My Little Brother

My little brother’s name is Jason.  But no one calls him that.  Lemme guess–you’d expect “Jay” or his last name.  But no.  When I was little, I started a long tradition of never calling Jason by his real name.  He’s been Honkabo, Honks, Hammy, Betty, Judy (I’m not real sure why he answered to these), Spike (when he used to want to be a puppy), Hambone (again, with this and Hammy, I’m not sure-he was never chunky), and I think the longest standing nickname has been Petey, or just Pete for short.

It’s obvious that none of these names are even close to “Jason”.  I don’t know where they come from.  But he calls me stupid stuff, too.  For a long time he called me Chuck Liddell (this is a stupid story) and he’s always called me Hoot.  Hell, everyone calls me Hoot.

But Honkabo?  Hammy?  Betty?  Whatever I called him, he always answered.

I think that’s the good thing about little brothers.  They take a lot of crap from you, and they give it back.  But you know what?  They’re there when you need them.

I think I could do a whole series on Petey.  Hm…

 

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2011 in Daily Happenings

 

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Where Have All The Real Men Gone (Jarvis Slacks edition)

First of all, I want to say that this is one of my favorite topics to write about.  What does make a real man?  Well, my friend Jarvis (I urge you to visit his blog–enlightening on MANY levels) addressed this today, and I desperately wanted to share his post concerning this entitled “The End of ‘Real Men'” and see what you thought about it.

“I asked her what constituted a “Real Man” and she gave me a run down. Good with his hands. Liked to get dirty. Could fix a car. Could cut the grass. Who liked good music. Who knew how to cook. Who didn’t mind playing with kids. Who had a truck. Who never got on the internet. And who was great in bed. This was her definition. Her real man had to be, for the most part, a pretty perfect human specimen.”

I think he makes some good points.  Men and women’s perception is so different…  I kind of do wish there were more clearly defined gender roles, though.  But that’s a different post (or an old post?) for (from?) a different time.

Cheers!

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2011 in Domesticity

 

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UPDATED: F*ck Technology – My Own Stupidity

***Update***  I type to you from my brand new computer!  $484 later…which is okay for what I got.  4G ram, 500G hard drive.  🙂  And a bunch of other things that the tech guys at work mentioned (something about i3?).  Anyway, I wanna thank Mike, that darling boyfriend of mine, for researching computers all last night and telling me what was the best deal and the best technology, for listening to my whine, for telling me that it will be okay, and that I will not die without a computer for one day.  And thanks to Tom, our IT wizard who is no doubt right now trying to save the photos from my old laptop.  And to Matt for his (somewhat unhelpful) input.  To Dustin, for riding with me to get the computer, telling me not to waste my time on the Geek Squad (I do work at a computer place, after all), and for answering my panicked questions about Google Chrome.  I have incredible friends.

Why do I feel like I just gave a speech for receiving an award?

 

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Kidding.  I love technology.  But I hate how damn fragile it is.

I spilled my water on my laptop last night.  I am without a computer at home.  And without cable.  So I’m reading mostly, and staring at walls.

Tonight, I am going to buy a new computer.

Just thought you’d like to know that I’m an idiot.  And that I’m angry.

Cheers.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on June 15, 2011 in Daily Happenings

 

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My Cousin and Her Ax

My grandparents' barn in Clyde, Ohio where I searched for Jessie Simmons' Tongue.

Growing up, and still to this day, my grandparents live on a nonworking farm.  But the barn and the shed still stand.  My father stores his lawn mower and snow blower there.  All of Grandpa’s recycling makes it out to the barn, as well.

But when we were young, the barn was a magical place with old cash registers, rotary phones, stolen road signs, cat skeletons, new litters of kittens, Jessie Simmons’ tongue, and so much more.  We climbed into the hay loft, back into the granary, and underneath the woodpile.  We knew the barn so well, yet we were surprised by every nook and cranny.

Most importantly, the barn was the battleground of many different fights between the Big Kids and the Little Kids.  Right now, there are 10 grandchildren on my maternal side: (from oldest to youngest) Heidi, Heather, Meghan, Erica (me), Hilary, Devon, Jason (my brother), Britta, Cory, and Clay.  Heidi, Heather, Meghan, and I were the Big Kids.  Everyone younger than me was a Little Kid.  (I think I only made the cutoff to keep the number of Big Kids even.)

But our favorite game was acting like separate gangs.  The Little Kids always wanted to be Big Kids.  “You can be a Big Kid when you’re 7…8…9…”  we told them.  Whatever my age was was the age you had to be to be a Big Kid.  Of course, they never passed me in age (and they never seemed to catch on, either).

Hilary, Devon, and Jason just took this bullshit for a long time.  And then Britta was born.  Sweet little Britta, who just stared at us from her pumpkin seat.  And then she started to walk. Out in the barn one day, we were having an epic Big Kids versus Little Kids fight and Meghan and I were standing on the side of the barn when out walks two-year-old toddling Britta with an ax in her tiny little hands. 

And then she chased us.  I don’t know why.  Maybe she’ll comment on this and let us all know…but I think she was sick of the Big Kids bullying around the Little Kids.  I do believe the gangs were a little more accepting of each other after that, but we still fought for the pure amusement of it.

Love you, Britt!

 
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Posted by on June 14, 2011 in When I Was Young

 

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1990’s Nostalgia: Hey Arnold!

Kid shows just aren’t what they used to be.  Everything is so damn educational now.  What happened to fun?  Sure, I agree that the TV can be used for educational purposes, but crimenetlies!  I’m just tired of all these people acting like TV was so bad.  We all turned out alright.  And the truth is that TV is meant for entertainment.  The beauty of being a kid is that you’re not forced to learn all day, and you’re not forced to work all day.  Sometimes, you just want to sit back and watch TV.

And let’s be honest–what adult doesn’t have some silly indulgence, be it a reality show or some other nonsense.  I love love LOVE the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but darnit, I know I’m not learning a thing from it.

So today, we rejoice in Hey Arnold!, and all it’s glorious characters.  From football-shaped heads, to unibrow girls in pink dresses, this is for you, Hey Arnold!

Below I have included an 11:00min clip (calm down!  it’s a damn cartoon-enjoy it) which culminates in that glorious episode in which Stoop Kid is afraid to leave his Stoop.  You will be chanting it in your head the rest of the day.

 
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Posted by on June 13, 2011 in 1990's Nostalgia

 

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