Monthly Archives: September 2011

Happy Birthday to My Dad

Dear Daddy,

I know you rarely read my blog, which is probably for the best with all of my Guilt-Free 3’s and pictures of sexy men.  Your little girl doesn’t think like that, right?  🙂

I want to thank you for teaching me goofy words.
For teaching me to be strong.
For taking me to the dam so I could see a “waterfall.”
For driving me over the Michigan state line so that I could say I’d been out of Ohio.
For driving all the way back to Elyria to get me a dollhouse that I pouted about.
For letting me watch WWF wrestling with you.
For playing my Michael Jackson “BAD” record over and over and over…
For taking care of me, Pete and Momma.
For helping me sneak liquor into dry weddings.
For only laughing a little when that pheasant pecked me on the head.
For moving me to and from Ashland and North Carolina and Pennsylvania, and finally back to Ohio.
For helping me buy new cars.
For fixing all of my flat tires.
For putting up with the guys I dated.
For letting me draw you like I did in elementary school.
For not letting Mom kill me when I got a tattoo.
For driving me all over the place.
For letting me drive your car when I was 16.
For helping me get unlost even though I call you from Virginia and tell you what road I’m on.
For making me wooden blocks when I was little.
For welding my name into a piece of metal.
For keeping my picture in your toolbox.

I also want to tell you that you’re the best darn daddy there ever was, and that I will never forget everything you’ve done for me.

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.  And I’m excited that I’ll be able to come home and share it with you!  This time last year, I was just starting my job (1 year at Foundation yesterday!), had just moved to a new place, and I wasn’t able to come home to see you.  But now I can!  So I’ll see you tonight!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!


Posted by on September 30, 2011 in Daily Happenings


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My New Apartment

Welp, ya’ll.  I think I explain it in the video, but these are my new digs!


Posted by on September 29, 2011 in Daily Happenings


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Back to Ashland

Lately, I’ve had an intense desire to return to Ashland University.

I feel like I’m looking for something…and something tells me it’s down in Ashland.  It’s like the thing I’m looking for is something that I’ve long since forgotten since my time there.  Something I had there, KNEW there, but I don’t know anymore.  I’ve forgotten something.

But what have I forgotten?  And why have I forgotten it?

Is it because there are no trees here in Brunswick to climb?  Or the fact that if I did, people would probably report me?  Tree-climbing is much more forgivable on a campus.

Is it because I don’t live across the hall from people I love and trust?

Is it because there is no plan once I leave work?  Because Wal-Mart is too far away just to go to for the fun of it?

Is it because everything was undetermined?

Is it because I was meeting new people every day?

What have I forgotten?  And how do I remember?

I feel that this will be an endless series of questions unless I go to Ashland.  Walk around.  Remember what it was to be there and what state of mind I was in.  Something is missing…it almost feels as though I’ve lost my thumb and the ability to put it on anything to pin it down and figure it out.

Ashlanders, do you know what I’m talking about?  Have you remembered what I’ve forgotten?


Posted by on September 28, 2011 in Daily Happenings


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Ready to Drive

I’m dying to go on an adventure.  To get in the car and drive for hours.  To put the windows down and blare the music in the crisp fall air.  I’m ready to move it move it move it.

This is my season, when the world is most beautiful and most tolerable.  I like the way the sky is bluer and the roads are smoother, the way the sun comes down quickly and how good warm drinks taste.

I found this article about the Top 10 Most Beautiful Drives in the United States.   Having clicked through them all repeatedly (yeah, it’s a slideshow, but so worth it!), I am desperately longing to go.  I emailed Mike and Jenny and told them that this needed to happen.

It’s always been a dream of mine to drive from Maine to the Southern tip of California, up the coast to Washington, and then to the Southeast corner of Florida–to just make a big ole X in the United States and to hit as many places as possible.  But if I could only pick 10 places where I’d want to drive, they would be (in no particular order):

  • Montana – I would drive all OVER that state.
  • Hawaii – Because really, how long would it take?
  • Vermont – In the Fall, of course.
  • Kansas – Prairie after prairie after prairie.
  • Alaska – Maybe I should have someone else drive me there…
  • Colorado – So I could stop and pick up Jenny.
  • South Dakota – I know it sounds boring, but damnit I’d love it.
  • Nevada – Rocks!
  • Virginia – Springtime, all the flowers.
  • Tennessee – Rolling green hills.  That state gives me the chills.  (I honest to God did not meant to rhyme that.)

Someone come pick me up and let’s just drive.


Posted by on September 27, 2011 in Daily Happenings


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Hickeys: How Old Is Too Old to Sport Them?

Ha ha.  Hickies.  It’s just a funny word.  But really, how old is too old to have a hickey?

Well, I think we have to narrow things down.

How old is too old to have a VISIBLE hickey?  Visible hickeys are the only ones we’re dealing with here.  Hidden ones, well, good job.
How old is too old to have INTENTIONAL hickies?  Stop getting/giving intentional hickeys after high school.  Unintentional are forgivable based on specific circumstances.
How old is too old to have a hickey in general?  Can you really place an age on neck sucking?

Here’s the thing:  in high school, I saw probably 20 hickeys a day in passing.  Heck, some of those might have even been on me.

Here’s a hickey timeline:

In high school:  hickeys were badges of honor.  Let it be known that you made out with someone.

In college:  I equate a hickey in college to the Walk of Shame.  You got down, but you were a little less proud.

In grad school/after college:  Well, in grad school is a little more forgivable.  I mean you’re still in school, poor, and looking for cheap entertainment.  Still, try to keep it up under wraps.  After college though, and if you’ve got a job, then just DON’T!

Leave the hickeys to high schoolers and shameful college kids, folks.  Or just buy an array of colorful scarves and claim that you’ve “always worn them” or that it’s your “new thing.”  😉

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Posted by on September 26, 2011 in The Book of Love


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“Less Play Time = More Troubled Kids, Experts Say” NO FARK!

When I was little, I was never inside before it was dark.  Even then, my parents would have to call and call and call, and sometimes even come out and get me.  I climbed trees, invaded a chicken coop with “an endless well,” and climbed into a hayloft with some unreliable flooring.  I got cut, stung, scraped, stuck, scabbed, and bruised.  And you know what?  I’m a better adult for it.

Kids don’t play anymore!  And there are far too many disadvantages to that.  Childhood obesity, lack of imagination, lack of experience, inability to work independently, inability to work with a team, problem-solving, lack of challenges, and so much more.  Playing is learning.

Through free play, “they are acquiring the basic competencies we ultimately need to become adults,” said Gray, author of two studies published recently in the American Journal of Play.

While I think there are many factors contributing to this lack of play time, this article is blaming “hyper-vigilant parenting.”  I’m not in disagreement to this, but I also know that parents have their reasons.  The article explains:  “So what’s keeping kids indoors? Fear of abduction is a big one, followed by worries about kids getting hit by cars and bullies, surveys have found.”

Okay, I get the abduction one.  There’s a world full of crazies and perverts out there.  But kids getting hit by cars and bullies?  Raise smart, tough kids and that one’s null.  Jenny and I both agree that anymore, kids are being raised to be wimps.  And it sucks!  If we just harbor our little snowflakes (thanks, until they’re adults, there’s no way they’re going to be able to function in the real world!

“Today’s young, at least in the middle class and upper class, are psychologically fragile,” Marano said in an interview published in the journal.

I can’t wait to live in a country run by psychologically fragile kids.  Please note sarcasm.  Goodness.  I won’t be buying my kids any type of video gaming system until they’re 16.  No cell phones until they’re 16.  They will play outside, and they will not rely on me to solve every little stupid problem they encounter.  I will raise my kids in a certain way specifically to avoid this bull crap.  They’ll be tough.   I can think of no better way to end this post than the way Jenifer Goodwin ended her article:

“Parents have to remember that childhood is this special time. You only get it once, and you don’t want to miss it,” LaFreniere said. “Mixing it up with other kids in an unrestrained manner isn’t just fun. It isn’t a luxury. It’s part of nature’s plan.”


Posted by on September 23, 2011 in Raising My Youngins


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The Proper Drinking Age – According to Me

Another Matt-themed question for the week.  This one is actually something I feel pretty strongly about.

What is the proper age to begin drinking?

Well, I say 16.  Now hear me out.  At 16 years old, kids start to think that they’re adults.  They start to think that because they can drive, that they can do other adult things–like drink alcohol.

I think they’re right, with some very necessary stipulations:

  1. The first time kids drink, and really until college, I think kids should drink in the presence of their parents or trusted adults.  The purpose of this is to learn their limits, particularly before they go to college and lack supervision.  For instance, I knew that three beers made me silly when I was 16 because I’d drink them at family gatherings.  I knew that I could handle about 2 mixed drinks, and I hated wine.  I learned what it felt like to be tipsy, and what it felt like to be drunk, and because of this, I knew when to stop at college.
  2. If parents let kids drink, it immediately takes the excitement away from underage drinking.  Part of what is so alluring about it is the fact that you’re not supposed to do it.  And when your parents give you the go ahead, it loses some of its luster, thus creating less situations where “being a badass” leads to “blacked out and pregnant.”
  3. We should let kids drink and learn their limits early on, too, because guess what, they’re going to do it one way or another.
  4. And if we start them at 16, they’ll have approximately two years to try every type of alcohol they can (in front of their parents) and to learn how they respond to all of it.  It’s a learning experience.

Alcohol can make anyone dumb, but often that idiocy is brought on by lack of experience and an ignorance of limits.  Let kids learn before they head out into the world alone.


Posted by on September 22, 2011 in Daily Happenings


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Why Women Won’t Admit What They Do Between the Sheets Alone

A question that Matt also raised at the bar:  Why won’t women admit that they masturbate?

The simple answer is this:  Because we don’t.

Happy Wednesday!


Posted by on September 21, 2011 in Daily Happenings


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Why Pigs…I Mean Men Are Attracted to Younger Women

To continue with my Matt-Based Topic Week on the blog, I will address why men are attracted to younger women.  And if you’re a man and you say you aren’t, then you are lying.

Let’s just get right into this, shall we?

Men are attracted to younger women because:

1)  It’s survival of the fittest.  “Darwinism.”  Yes, the quotes are intentional, but whatever we choose to call this doesn’t change my opinion.  Men go after younger women because younger women radiate fertility.  Most men are looking to spread the ole seed, and they’re looking for good places to fertilize–places that will result in carrying on their legacy–or at least their offspring.

2)  Because younger women make them feel young again.  It’s a nostalgia thing.  As men age, they start getting nostalgic.  Think about it–ever walk up to a bonfire full of men, and all they’re talking about are the things they did when they were younger?  Well, they see a young red-headed 18-year-old at the grocery store and are reminded of that wild night in a hot tub when they were 17.  It makes them feel young again.  I get it.

3)  To up their ego–and to prove that they are still attractive.  A man thinks, “Hey, if I can get that young piece of tail to look at me, I’ve still got it going on.”  Okay, so maybe that’s not what they think verbatim, but you get what I mean.  And if they can get a young woman to walk down a crowded street with them, then they can show off that they’ve still got it to a ton of people.  In reality, though, all we’re thinking is, “He must have money.”

4)  Teacher Syndrome.  Older men think that they’ve got something to show the world.  They’ve been around, they’re “wiser.”  Ha ha, sorry.  Anyway, they think they can take an inexperienced girl and rock her world–show her something that she hasn’t seen before, make her feel like she never has before.   Good luck with that, men.

5)  Sugar Daddy Complex.  Many of the men who have Teacher Syndrome also have Sugar Daddy Complex.  Older men generally are more established and can provide younger women with things that younger men can’t–like $500 purses and student loan payments.

6)  The booty.  Men think that if they date a younger woman, they’re going to get the booty like they haven’t gotten it in years–either from their wives, ex-wives, or women their age.  This is probably true.  But watch out, boys–you make break a hip.

7)  Because they can’t/shouldn’t have it.  If we learned anything about my highly controversial, traffic-drawing blog post about longing for someone you can’t have, then we learned that people want what they can’t, and in this case shouldn’t, have.  Younger women are the holy grail for men, and regardless of how slim the chances are, they will continually go after them to prove that they can successfully get her attention.

So those are my theories.  There may be more.  There may be less.  You may think it’s bullshit.  🙂

However, if there is an older man out there who would like to purchase me the $500 handbag (oh come on, you knew it was me) or pay my student loans, you can contact me by leaving me a comment below.  I will NOT supply you with booty, but I’ll clean your house and do your laundry for a year!


Posted by on September 20, 2011 in Domesticity


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What’s the deal with stripper poles?

Friday night, my co-workers and I went out for some pumpkin beer.  We had a great time.  My friend Matt, who continually busts my chops about something, started complaining that none of my blog entries interest him.  In turn, I gave him the opportunity to pick out my blog content for this week.

His first choice?  Stripper poles.  And why women are “drawn to them like a bug is drawn to a bug zapper.”  And if stripper poles were actually bug zappers, “we’d have dead hoochies all over the place.”  Words of wisdom, my friends.  Words of wisdom.

So why are women drawn to stripper poles?  Let’s dumb this down to poles in general.  If a woman is in a bar (I’ve seen *ahem* and done *ahem* this before–Windsor, Canada rings a bell…), and there is a pole nearby, there is a 80% chance that at some point throughout the night, she will grab on to it, throw her head back, swing around a little bit, and carry on drinking.  The show may go on a bit longer if she is getting attention.  Which brings me to reason #1 that women go to stripper poles.

#1:  Attention.
Women love attention.  It’s in our blood.  So if we’re going out, we’ve probably done our hair, painstakingly picked out an outfit, and we want someone to notice.  And as soon as you grab a pole, people notice because they’re interested to see what will happen next.

#2:  To turn you dogs on.
Right along side of the desire for attention is the desire to feel physically attractive.  We get on stripper poles because as soon as we touch that metal, we have every man in the room’s attention.  Whether he thought you were attractive to begin with or not, as soon as you touch that pole, you have his undivided attention.  Why?  Because you’re probably about to do something slutty, and men will watch purely for the chance that you will.

#3:  We’re drunk.
So basically, drunkenness means bad decisions.  You go sleep with your best friend’s little sister.  We wrap ourselves around a pole in public.  A stripper pole.  When you’re drunk, everything seems like a good decision.

#4:  The freedom.
I know what you’re asking.  “What freedom?”  The freedom of flying through the air on a stripper pole while your senses are already dulled and your head is buzzy and you can’t feel your nose or your front teeth!  It’s like getting drunk and finding a swing set.  The pole is just more apt to be found in a bar.

#5:  Finally–to prove that we’re not that drunk.
We can still hold onto a pole and flail ourselves about.  So we’re not that drunk.



Posted by on September 19, 2011 in Daily Happenings


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