Note to Animal Activists and Cat Lovers: I do not like cats…but I do not hate them. Also, any death that occurred below was by no means malicious or fruitless. Mama Cat was taken down by a gun because she attacked everyone who stepped out the front door, and we had 300 kittens running around because she was a whore.
I’ve never really had a real pet. Therefore, I’ve never really put any thought into naming a living creature.
I had a goldfish called Suzy that I named after my friend’s “cool” older sister.
And I guess I had a few barn cats at my grandparents’ house in Clyde that I got to name: Strudel (death by combine), Muffin (cross-eyed, death by car), Bart a.k.a. Barf (death by eating disorder), Salt & Pepper (frozen solid…then thawed and back to life…but not before we threw the box that contained their bodies into a burning barrel), and a few others… I always chose the runt of the litter–the one that was bound to have issues. There was Nickel, Kipper, Bear, countless Tigers, Juniors, and Smokes. A few named Morris after the 9 Lives cat, and one named Pumpkin. Mama Cat was killed by gun, and her kittens taken to wide open fields.
When we found the bones of a decayed cat in the barn underneath the woodpile, we called her Princess (after Princess Diana who had recently died) and carved her name into a brick. She still rests under the first pine tree on Grandma and Grandpa’s farm.
But Suzy was eaten by my brother’s fish, Buddy. And you learn to never get attached to barn cats–there are too many ways for them to go. So I never really put much stock into what I called these critters.
It seems like a huge responsibility to name something, and I haven’t had much practice. I people naming their dogs…dogs that are parts of their families. And now my friends are naming their children. Whoa, right? Children. Children that you have to call by the same name for upwards of 50 years. Children who will be known by that name for the rest of their lives, on paper, in memories.
I’m not equipped to name anything yet. It’s just not so… But I do have theories on naming things…so tomorrow, I will write a segment entitled “How to Name Your Nugget”, and I will talk about it like I have authority on this matter.