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Far Too Old for Four-Day Benders

It’s true.

Good Lord have I drank a lot of alcohol in the past few days.

Wednesday night at the bar, Thursday night at the cookie party, Friday night at the company Christmas, Saturday night at Mike’s Christmas.

Friday night, I went to bed at 3:00 AM and woke up at 6:30 AM to get in my car and drive 2.5 hours to Pennsylvania for Mike’s family Christmas.

In short, I’ve come to a conclusion.  I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2011 in Daily Happenings

 

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Preparing the Liver

I’ll be the first to say that I didn’t train for this.  No.  In fact, I’ve been kind of sluggish about my training this year.  I haven’t drank as much as I normally do, particularly in my promise to not get drunk unless Mike is around for the entirety of my 26th year.  I admit it–my tolerance has suffered.

But this time of year is no time to be unprepared…in any aspect really.  From Drunksgiving on, your liver must be prepared.  Holidays = Excessive Drinking.

  • First o f all, you drink because of the stress of preparing for said holiday.
  • I mean, 8 hours at the mall on Black Friday and you’re damn well ready for a glass (read: bottle) of wine.
  • And there’s always a casual drink turned into a binge when you stop by old friends’ houses to visit.
  • Not to mention the appearance of Christmas Ale that we are all obligated to guzzle for its short existence each year.
  • Then there are the Christmas parties:  the company Christmas, the significant other’s family Christmas, your own Christmas.
  • Plus you feel like drinking when they’re all over!
  • And then New Year’s Eve?

My liver ought to be in tip-top shape by the time 2012 rolls around.  Maybe that’s why we do it.  So we are all prepared to survive New Year’s Eve.

I have to say that I love these parties.  Last night, my co-workers and I went to the Winking Lizard for drinks after work.  Tonight, I’m going to a cookie exchange where there will be WINE!  Friday night is the company Christmas party (hibachi and sake…YES).  Saturday is Mike’s family’s Christmas.  Pretty much going to be drunk for 4 days straight.

Bring.  It.  On.

In a slightly unrelated (and wholly related) note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER JASON!  🙂  Getting old there, boy.  24.

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2011 in Daily Happenings

 

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What’s the deal with stripper poles?

Friday night, my co-workers and I went out for some pumpkin beer.  We had a great time.  My friend Matt, who continually busts my chops about something, started complaining that none of my blog entries interest him.  In turn, I gave him the opportunity to pick out my blog content for this week.

His first choice?  Stripper poles.  And why women are “drawn to them like a bug is drawn to a bug zapper.”  And if stripper poles were actually bug zappers, “we’d have dead hoochies all over the place.”  Words of wisdom, my friends.  Words of wisdom.

So why are women drawn to stripper poles?  Let’s dumb this down to poles in general.  If a woman is in a bar (I’ve seen *ahem* and done *ahem* this before–Windsor, Canada rings a bell…), and there is a pole nearby, there is a 80% chance that at some point throughout the night, she will grab on to it, throw her head back, swing around a little bit, and carry on drinking.  The show may go on a bit longer if she is getting attention.  Which brings me to reason #1 that women go to stripper poles.

#1:  Attention.
Women love attention.  It’s in our blood.  So if we’re going out, we’ve probably done our hair, painstakingly picked out an outfit, and we want someone to notice.  And as soon as you grab a pole, people notice because they’re interested to see what will happen next.

#2:  To turn you dogs on.
Right along side of the desire for attention is the desire to feel physically attractive.  We get on stripper poles because as soon as we touch that metal, we have every man in the room’s attention.  Whether he thought you were attractive to begin with or not, as soon as you touch that pole, you have his undivided attention.  Why?  Because you’re probably about to do something slutty, and men will watch purely for the chance that you will.

#3:  We’re drunk.
So basically, drunkenness means bad decisions.  You go sleep with your best friend’s little sister.  We wrap ourselves around a pole in public.  A stripper pole.  When you’re drunk, everything seems like a good decision.

#4:  The freedom.
I know what you’re asking.  “What freedom?”  The freedom of flying through the air on a stripper pole while your senses are already dulled and your head is buzzy and you can’t feel your nose or your front teeth!  It’s like getting drunk and finding a swing set.  The pole is just more apt to be found in a bar.

#5:  Finally–to prove that we’re not that drunk.
We can still hold onto a pole and flail ourselves about.  So we’re not that drunk.

 

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2011 in Daily Happenings

 

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