Tag Archives: guilt

A Working Mom’s Guilt


Before I get started, I just wanted to let you know that Squidge is MUCH better and feeling like his old self again and hanging out with all his buds. 🙂


And now, the topic of the post – a working mom’s guilt. I have it, and it’s most certainly compounded by 1000 because I’m Catholic and my guilt level is high anyway. Here’s the situation.

I have a good job. I don’t mind working for a living – I’m by no means lazy. Plus, with my student loans (hello private undergrad and grad school immediately after!), my car loan, our mortgage, and now a little Squidge, there’s no way I can afford not to work. Mike and I are aggressively trying to pay stuff off and we’re making some serious headway.

But my working means Squidge goes to daycare. And I know there are tons of benefits to daycare:  a stronger immune system (eventually), socializing skills, interaction with different people, etc. My problem, and the source of my guilt, arises when I think about the fact that Squidge is spending 8-9 hours a day with people who aren’t Mike and me. Then, when I pick him up at 5:15pm, I only get him for about three hours before he goes to sleep for the night. I get 1/3 of what daycare gets.

Then my stupid mom brain starts asking questions. Will he know that it’s ME that’s the mom and not the nice ladies at daycare? Will he learn from ME? Will he get enough quality time in those stupid three hours I get to squeeze him and feed him and love him? I find myself waking up at 5am just to see him more, even though I could probably get away with getting a little more sleep.

I just remember the years that my mom stayed home to raise my brother Jason and me so fondly that I wish I could give that to Squidge. She played with us all day, taught us things before preschool, took us to play with our cousins at my grandparents’ house. And then I realize that I don’t know any babies around here. Squidge’s cousins are all over an hour away and go to daycare, as well. He really wouldn’t have any kid interaction, and that’s when I see daycare as a blessing.

My mom tells me that this is a good thing. She says that if he just had me, he’d ultimately get bored not having anyone his own age to play with. I understand this and I agree. I know he’s going to want little buddies. My cousins were my best friends, but I just don’t have access to family/kids like that around here. It’s just hard, ya know? SUPER hard.

Think my boss would pay off my student loans and my car loan and let me stay home until both my kids (NO I’M NOT PREGNANT) are in school full-time? I’ll sign up for 20 years of service after that. I promise. 🙂


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Posted by on January 22, 2015 in Raising My Youngins


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Playing the Blame Game: Jury Duty

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

This is exceptionally tough.  Something I hope I never have to do?  There are a million things.

I hope I never have to bury my children.

I hope I never have to witness a murder.

I hope I never have to serve on a jury…I think I can expand on this one.  I never want to decide someone’s fate.  I can decide where I want to go out to dinner, and what kind of wine I want.  I can choose to buy the red shirt over the blue one, and I can choose what I do on a daily basis.  But I hate hate hate when my decisions affect other people.  Because of this, I hope that I never have to serve on a jury.  I know it’s a fair and proven way to decide the fate of a case, but what if it’s something huge?  What if my vote sends someone to the electric chair?  What if my vote takes a daddy away from his kids?  I can’t have that weighing on my shoulders.  I don’t want to decide if someone is guilty.  And I don’t want to let a guilty person run innocently away from everything he has done without punishment.  It’s a rough place to be in.

When you’re little, you play the blame game.  You break Mom’s vase, blame it on your little brother.  Little brother gets his butt spanked and a time out for rough play.  Unjust.

But we fear punishment so much, that we’re willing to place blame on others.  Would the punishment be so bad?  Would we not, indeed, learn from it?

Part of this may stem from my belief that God is the one true judge.  There’s really no truth in earthly judgment.  It all depends on how God sees it.  I feel like I’m playing God if I judge.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I have my opinions.  I think certain things are wrong.  It pisses me off when kids are disrespectful to their parents.  I despise the little brats on Supernanny.  But I also see the mistakes the parents are making.  But who am I to deem them mistakes?  Every opinion I have is on the premise that my opinion matters only momentarily.  So when something as large and important as a court case happens, and I am involved in someone’s future, it freaks me out.

It could be like the OJ trial, where there are a billion different pieces of evidence, but unless you’re there, you’re not going to know the entire story.  There is always something missing.  And only the people involved and God know the something that is missing.

In a perfect world, we all take the blame for the wrongs we’ve done.  We decide we are guilty on our own terms, and accept pour punishment.  In a perfect world.

I’m starting to babble.  I don’t want to decide someone’s fate.  It’s not my place.  And we do NOT in fact, live in a perfect world.



Posted by on November 15, 2010 in Daily Happenings


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