Call for Crafty Help

CALLING YOU CRAFTY PEOPLE who know how to crochet or knit.

Lindsay, I hope you’re still reading my blog, because I know you could help me with this.  I want to make the afghan that sat on the back of Roseanne’s couch for the majority of the seasons.

See it?  Isn’t it wonderful and gaudy and lovely?!  I want to make it.  So who’s going to help me?

I found the pattern here and here (they seem different to me) and if anyone can help me get this started/done, I would really appreciate it!  Because I mean, seriously, how sexy would this look on the back of my couch?

 

Domesticity: On Cooking

You know I don’t cook and that I hate the grocery story.  But you do know that I love wine and drinking in general.  (Lately it’s been gin and tonics, because it tastes like Christmas in a glass!)  And as I am usually late to the game with these things, I am late to the Youtube sensation called My Drunk Kitchen.

She does the kind of cooking that I could get behind.  Check this out:

No matter how many times I watch it, I laugh my ass off.  I know that a lot of it is editing, but seriously!  I could go through two bottles of champagne or wine or gin and tonic and make a grilled cheese sandwich sans cheese!

All I’m saying is that if I’m going to learn to cook, I’m going to need to be drunk.

Butter yo shit.

 

SuzyFreakingHomemaker 1972

So I may not be pursuing my Womanly Challenge to the extent that it deserves, but I have been being more domestic.

On Sunday, I baked 10 dozen cookies for a cookie exchange party that I am going to on Thursday.  That’s fairly domestic, right?

I also scoured the internet for recipes that Mike might like.  I came up with Pasta Pie and Cream Cheese Spaghetti.  So after the cookies were done, I (okay, Mom and I) baked these up for Mike and Dad.

And last night, after I got home from work, I popped in a chick flick (Friends with Benefits–love it) and wrapped Mike’s parents’ Christmas presents.  🙂

That’s womanly, right?

 

Sexy Occupations…for Women?

My friend Chris has brought it to my attention that there “are no sexy female occupations.”  I thought about sexy male occupations:  carpenters, musicians, landscapers, masons, electricians, mechanics.  Does this sound familiar?  It should.  So what characteristics of these jobs make them so sexy?  Here ya go:

1. Hard work:  Who doesn’t love to see a man at work?  Getting stuff done?
2. Flexing:  These jobs allow a man to use his muscles.  And it allows me to watch.
3. Sweating:  I love a man shining with sweat.  Go ahead, take your shirt off.
4. Harmony between man and his work:  It’s something about how a man can manipulate one thing into another, how he can physically work on something to make it work again.  It’s like they understand the materials they’re working with.
5. The final product:  Whether it’s a song or a house, a brick wall or a beautifully landscaped yard, something wonderful has been accomplished.  And as beautiful as the process was with all those flexing muscles and sweat, the final product is amazing.

So there’s gotta be an equivalent for women’s occupations, right?  After talking with a few men, (and explaining to them that we were not going to include strippers in this list, although it is a damn sexy occupation), this is the list of characteristics that would make a female occupation sexy according to three men that I interviewed.

1. Taking care of someone/something:  What’s sexier than showing you care about someone or something?
2. A flattering “uniform”:  You knew it was going here.
3. Ambition:  Men like a woman who is going to work for what she wants.
4. Brains:  It’s not just about the boobs!  They want to have intelligent conversations sometimes, too. (I’m starting to feel very shallow with my reasons for jobs being sexy.)
5. Talent:  It’s sexy to see a woman who is good at what she does.

So it comes down to this.  Here is the list of sexy female occupations:

1. Bartenders:  They serve you beer!  And they’re usually dressed kinda sexy.
2. Athletes (particularly volleyball & soccer):  Driven, ambitious, and talented.
3. Masseuses:  I almost didn’t let this one in, except that their job is about taking care.
4. Nurses:  I think a lot of this is the male fantasy of a dirty nurse.  But they do take care of you.
5. Librarians/Teachers:  Same with this one.  Dirty dirty boys.
6. Oral Hygienists:  I can’t explain this one.
7. Mechanic:  Apparently women with tools turns men on as much as men with tools turns women on.
8. Professionals:  A lady in a business suit with an iPad and an agenda gives off that sexy vibe.
9. Housewives:  Taking care of house, husband, and children–she does it all.  And if it’s the 1950’s, she still dresses like June Cleaver, which I think we can all agree is super sexy.

Happy Thursday!

 

Why Pigs…I Mean Men Are Attracted to Younger Women

To continue with my Matt-Based Topic Week on the blog, I will address why men are attracted to younger women.  And if you’re a man and you say you aren’t, then you are lying.

Let’s just get right into this, shall we?

Men are attracted to younger women because:

1)  It’s survival of the fittest.  “Darwinism.”  Yes, the quotes are intentional, but whatever we choose to call this doesn’t change my opinion.  Men go after younger women because younger women radiate fertility.  Most men are looking to spread the ole seed, and they’re looking for good places to fertilize–places that will result in carrying on their legacy–or at least their offspring.

2)  Because younger women make them feel young again.  It’s a nostalgia thing.  As men age, they start getting nostalgic.  Think about it–ever walk up to a bonfire full of men, and all they’re talking about are the things they did when they were younger?  Well, they see a young red-headed 18-year-old at the grocery store and are reminded of that wild night in a hot tub when they were 17.  It makes them feel young again.  I get it.

3)  To up their ego–and to prove that they are still attractive.  A man thinks, “Hey, if I can get that young piece of tail to look at me, I’ve still got it going on.”  Okay, so maybe that’s not what they think verbatim, but you get what I mean.  And if they can get a young woman to walk down a crowded street with them, then they can show off that they’ve still got it to a ton of people.  In reality, though, all we’re thinking is, “He must have money.”

4)  Teacher Syndrome.  Older men think that they’ve got something to show the world.  They’ve been around, they’re “wiser.”  Ha ha, sorry.  Anyway, they think they can take an inexperienced girl and rock her world–show her something that she hasn’t seen before, make her feel like she never has before.   Good luck with that, men.

5)  Sugar Daddy Complex.  Many of the men who have Teacher Syndrome also have Sugar Daddy Complex.  Older men generally are more established and can provide younger women with things that younger men can’t–like $500 purses and student loan payments.

6)  The booty.  Men think that if they date a younger woman, they’re going to get the booty like they haven’t gotten it in years–either from their wives, ex-wives, or women their age.  This is probably true.  But watch out, boys–you make break a hip.

7)  Because they can’t/shouldn’t have it.  If we learned anything about my highly controversial, traffic-drawing blog post about longing for someone you can’t have, then we learned that people want what they can’t, and in this case shouldn’t, have.  Younger women are the holy grail for men, and regardless of how slim the chances are, they will continually go after them to prove that they can successfully get her attention.

So those are my theories.  There may be more.  There may be less.  You may think it’s bullshit.  🙂

However, if there is an older man out there who would like to purchase me the $500 handbag (oh come on, you knew it was me) or pay my student loans, you can contact me by leaving me a comment below.  I will NOT supply you with booty, but I’ll clean your house and do your laundry for a year!

 

Over Ohio and Through Indiana to Roseanne’s House We Go!

!!!!!!!!  It’s official.  I am going to Roseanne’s house.  It’s true!  Okay okay, not her real house (which is in Hawaii now), and not even a house she ever actually lived in.  And truth be told, according to my good buddy, Bruce, they never actually filmed inside this house, either…  But I will be visiting THE HOUSE (or at least the outside of it) that is featured in all of the episodes of Roseanne!

The Promised Land of All Domestic Goddesses

Alright alright, you’re not excited about this at all, are you?  WELL YOU SHOULD BE!  On October 21, my roommate from college (Kay, aka Snoop-A-Loop) will grab her green hat, and we will go to Indianapolis to pick up Barbs, another friend from college.  No doubt, Barbs will have her cranky thong on, so we’re going to have to get her drunk and throw her into the car the next morning.

From there, we will drive to 619 South Runnymeade Avenue in Evansville, Indiana, and we will take shameless photos in front of the house.  Barbs will probably be snapping most of the pictures, as she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Roseanne.

Would it be out of line to ask the people who live there if we can come in?  I hope it’s not out of line, because I fully intend on doing it.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!

 

 

What I Learned from Watching Children Fight in the Grass

What I saw on last night’s run:

___________________________________

On a late summer afternoon, the grass sways lazily in Autumn’s approaching breath.  The sun is still warm and cutting slants through the trees, and jets move silently through the sky, leaving white trails that spread out and disappear into clouds.  A cardinal is chirping in a nearby tree, the smell of grilled hamburgers is in the air, and the sounds of children laughing in backyards while they throw grass at one another bounces off the houses. 

In the front yard of a white house with blue shutters, four children sit in a circle in the grass.  They are only four or five years old, and there are three boys and one little girl.  All of the boys are shirtless and wearing “play” shorts.  The little girl is in a blue and white sailor dress, her hair mussed on one side, her cheeks rosey.  They all laugh. 

Then one boy tackles another.  They play fight, roll in the grass.  The other boy jumps in on the fight.  They growl.  The girl twirls a piece of grass in between her fingers and watches intently as they begin to tumble into a shallow ditch near the yard.  She hesitates, inches forward and settles back down, then moves forward again and tickles the feet of the boy at the bottom of the pile.

One of the other boys gets up, runs around the girl and plops himself in front of her, blocking her from the boy’s feet.  She smiles, leans back and crosses her arms.  

The cardinal continues to chirp.

The boys continue to fight.

And the girl has gotten her first lesson in dating.

____________________________________

Oddly enough, I saw this in only a matter of seconds as I ran past the house.  It just seemed so clear to me that it encompassed everything about the way boys and girls interact.  The girl wants to play like the boys, but they’ve already singled her out as different.  She likes the one who doesn’t want anything to do with her.  And the boy that does like her?  The one who can’t stand the fact that she’s tickling somebody else’s feet, well, she wants nothing to do with him.

It’s no wonder that so many love lives are full of turmoil or difficulty.

We’re all lucky to find that guy whose feet we want to tickle, and who actually wants us to.

 

 

 

More Baby Dreams…

Last night, I had a dream that I found out I was pregnant.

Again with these pregnancy dreams!  But the baby did not belong to Justin Bieber or to Jack Hannahan this time.  This time, it was Mike’s.

In my dream, we were not married, but we were living in the same place.  I went to the doctor and came back afraid to tell Mike I was pregnant.  When I told him, he got really excited and hugged me.  Then we went to tell my parents (who were less than thrilled that we weren’t married) but we told them that we were going to get married and then everything seemed okay.

When I woke up, I was still as shocked in my conscious state as I was in my unconscious state that Mike was excited.

It was all just very weird.

Perhaps this is because I filmed a video with nine kids for work last night.  And maybe it’s because the last episode of Melissa & Joey (yes, I watch it) involved Joe thinking he knocked up his ex-wife.

Or maybe it’s just high time I have kids.

 

If I were a kitchen utensil…

When I was a graduate teaching assistant in grad school, I always took attendance in my creative writing classes by asking a random question before I started lecturing.

Sometimes it was, “What song is the soundtrack to your day?”  “Do you have any pets?”  “What terrifies you the most?”

I asked questions because it got the students thinking about things other than how hungover they were, or that jerk in the dorm who burnt the popcorn and set the fire alarms off in the middle of the night (SHELLEY).  They started thinking outside of the box.

One of my favorite questions was, “If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be and why?”

Well, now, in my Diary of a Housegirlfriend surrounded by bon bons and martinis, I thought, “Wow, I ought to answer this myself.  I do belong in the kitchen, after all.”  Oh, calm down, feminists.  You can just eat your power lunch in your power suit and your power pumps.  Then you can go burn your bra or something.

But really, if I was a kitchen utensil, what would I be?

I guess you have to define utensil.  Wiki’s list is huge, so I’m just gonna pick one.

I think that I’m going to go with this:  I would be the ice Kitchen-Aid standing mixer.

First of all, I choose this because I like to mix things.  I like to add things to my cereal (like honey or candy), to my coffee (all kinds of fun stuff), to smoothies, to cookies, to anything.  I like to mix stuff together to see what happens.

I also chose the automatic blender over a spatula because I think power tools in the kitchen are awesome.  What?  It’s not a power tool?  Go ahead and stick your hand in there and see if it comes out mangled.

And I chose this color, because it’s just freaking pretty.

Real Life Conclusions based on utensil choice:

I like to mix stuff up in life, too, just to see what happens sometimes.  The oddest combinations sometimes end up being completely awesome.

I like power, but in a controlled way.  Spin wildly out of control, but keep it in the bowl.

I appreciate pretty things.  Not to mention I’m in a blue/green phase.

And I like the finished product after laboring to make something.

So what kitchen utensil are you?

 

Roseanne Tweeted Me!: Life Complete

Let’s just get to the point here.  I was tweeted from Roseanne’s twitter account.  It was not Roseanne, however, it was her boyfriend Johnny.  But this makes it no less exciting!  Here is the conversation:

TheRealRoseanneRoseanne Barr

This is the real Johnny taking over for @therealroseanne while Big Mama takes a nap – what’s going on everybody?? #roseannesnuts

HootyLouErica B*******

@TheRealRoseanne Lovin’ the show. You are hilarious Johnny! #roseannesnuts

TheRealRoseanneRoseanne Barr

@HootyLou Hooty….You have great taste in old reality show wiseasses! thank you!! @therealroseanne #roseannesnuts

HootyLouErica B*******

@TheRealRoseanne Thank you! I love her. So glad to see her back on TV. I aspire to be a #domesticgoddess!

HootyLouErica B********

Now that my life is complete and @TheRealRoseanne tweeted me, I’m going to bed full of wine and happiness.

TheRealRoseanneRoseanne Barr

@HootyLou That’s a good way to go to bed, Hooty! See you next show. Sweet dreams! – Johnny @therealroseanne #roseannesnuts

Seriously, what else is there left to do in life, now?  🙂  Just kidding.  But I was ecstatic!!!  I love Roseanne.  I seriously missed her on TV, ever since the Roseanne sitcom went off the air in 1997.  I’ve talked about how that show truly hit home with me, and I’ve been having conversations with friends lately about how it’s the only show I remember that actually depicted true American life in a real way.  Roseanne is awesome.

And now she’s back on TV!  Roseanne’s Nuts is about Roseanne’s life now as a macadamia nut farmer in Hawaii.  And it is HILARIOUS.   I am so glad that she’s back on television and acting as loopy as ever.  She always talked about how she modeled the Roseanne sitcom after her own life and her own family, and Roseanne’s Nuts is giving people a look into that real family.  I’m super excited.

And Johnny tweeted me while Big Mama was sleeping!!!!

Gah, what a good day.