The Longest Ride – the Longest Movie Of My Life (And I Left Early)

This is probably going to piss some people off.

The Longest Ride was the longest movie of my life. It was terrible. I mean ungodly boring to the point where I considered napping. Which is something I desperately need to do once in awhile because, let’s face it, my 5 month old is never going to sleep through the night.

This was the first date that Mike and I went on since Rhett was born. I was amped for this movie. SUPER amped. I mean I wanted so badly to see Scott Eastwood make love to that stupid skank in the barn. Thank you, stupid movie trailer, for focusing on that to get my ass (and thousands of other girls’ asses) into the theatre seats.

Let’s start at the beginning. I was super excited about some of the previews – especially Aloha. I hope that stands up to the excitement the trailer brought on. I’ll hold out hope for this one. And there was one about a girl with cancer that I want to see, but I know I’m not going to be able to sit through because, you know, tears. And of course Paper Towns because John Green does no wrong.

And then the movie started. Stupid virginal skank (she IS a skank – you’ll see why). I don’t remember her name. She is now Virgin Skank. Virgin Skank is super focused on her studies (art – gag me) and doesn’t even want to go to the rodeo with her Glee-Marly friend. (I love Glee-Marly.) And when they convince her to, all the sudden she’s hooting and hollering and flirty as HELL with Scott Eastwood’s character at the bar.

She tells him she’s moving to New York in two months during their first date. Then they pull an old dude from a car accident and they both go see him at the hospital. Good American kids. But Virgin Skank starts reading letters to the old guy about his love life. Letters that make no sense because they’re detailing exactly what happened with his lady friend. Now, I wrote Mike letters when we were dating, but I never just recounted our story to him. I talked to him about how I felt. So the letters were unrealistic. And so was the story. Oh, and old guy’s lover was into art (gag me), too.

Then Virgin Skank goes on a second date with Scott Eastwood. She falls into a mud puddle because she’s dumb, and then she has to shower at his place. Okay, fine. This was one of the only redeeming scenes because Scott Eastwood is adorable as he’s trying not to look at her getting naked with the door open. But this is problematic. Virgin Skank is getting naked WITH THE DOOR OPEN on her second date with this guy AFTER she tells him that nothing can come of them because she’s moving to New York for an art internship (GAG ME). Don’t worry. She also gives this up after knowing him for a full month.

And then they bang in the shower for like a full 3 hours (I’m guessing – you know – movie time). And that was hot. I was behind that. Mostly because of Scott:

Then Eastwood goes to an art gallery opening with Virgin Skank and he tells her potential boss that there’s more bullshit there than where he works (har har) and that was the end of the goodness. After that, I couldn’t pay attention. There was something about the old couple not being able to have kids. Scott Eastwood has a head injury and shouldn’t be rodeoing anymore, but he doesn’t stop because RODEO. And then I walked out. I truly just couldn’t handle it anymore. I spent the rest of the night apologizing to my husband for making him sit through as much of it as I did.

I’ll admit that I gave the movie 5 more minutes every time Scott Eastwood smiled. And I gave it a few more minutes here and there praying that it would pick up. But it sucked. Royally.

It honestly seemed like a different version of The Notebook (which I f*cking love – my son’s middle name is Calhoun, y’all). Unlikely lovers, old couple story interwoven. Hot sex. I mean, at least Nick Sparks finds movie makers who can film hot sex. But I am thoroughly disappointed.

Negative stars on this movie. NEGATIVE.

10 stars for Scott Eastwood if he’d like to come stand in my cubicle at work.

And in the end, at least we only paid matinee prices.